Pictures of me and my friends wearing false beards. Oh and boys who have to hold their jeans up because they are so baggy round the bum'oley department.

The eyelash glue tube unexpectedly exploding all over my fringe and me having to cut my fringe to get it out and therefore looking like Richard III. (This makes everyone scream, not just me, and that is le fact.)

No.
Oh go on then I will, but only because I like you. Ermm......I'm very fond of irresponsibly short skirts and long boots. In private moments I wear, and I am not ashamed to say it (well not very), fluffy mules and cocktail trousers.

For crying uncontrollably I like Gone with the Wind. Just when you think you can't possibly cry any more Scarlett's mum dies quickly followed by a horrific riding accident when her child dies as well. (The only cheerful note here is that the child is wearing a ludicrous velvet riding outfit and jumping sidesaddle, which quite frankly is asking for death vis-a-vis safe horseriding).

Blimey. Or crikey. Or possibly Leave It!

Morning? Ready? In? I don't want you to think I am a lazy decadent type because I am always or nearly always up at the crack of midday.

Libra but I have a Pisces moon and we all know what that means. (Of course you do, stop joshing about.)

Oh, shoes. But of course bags are necessary for the shoes. As I can't stand up in very high shoes, (let alone walk in them) but I luuurve them very much when I go out I have to scamper along in flip flops till I get to where I am going and then get my bag out with the vair high shoes in and crouch down in doorways putting them on. And then lurch around about two feet from a wall which I can brace myself against for the rest of the evening. Why oh why are there no comfy little street stools so we could just sit down like civilised people do the whole world over to change into our party shoes? No one asks Gordon Brown about that do they?

Chocolate. (Unless you have got any fruit gums.)

I would say, intelligent, jolly, amusing, strangely attractive. That is what I would say. And I would take no notice of the ironic laughter and snorting from my friends and family.

Her alarming self-obsession and her ability for seeing a joke in every situation.

Sadly, yes I do. You would think by now when my brain goes on a holiday to Stupidland I would just keep my mouth shut about wearing false beards or wearing fluffy mules at home or my eyelash glue exploding in my fringe and looking like Richard III...hang on a minute...

A bit. Not enough for my liking. But then I am one of the rare people who can't get enough of me.

I think deep down they like a laugh. (Have you heard how they pronounce 'erbs for instance, or aluuuuuuuuminum?)

I think you will find the proper term is "Kiwi agogo land".

Pardon?